G E T R E A L.
It all started February 14, 2009. My mom (Chery "Melody"*), Cray, Spencer, Caryn and I were vacationing here in Utah, and we were driving up to Park City to snowboard for the day. As I stared out the window at the passing scenery, my heart was so full and I could not help but thinking "Man, this is so beautiful." That's when I knew we had to move to Utah.
It really did not make any sense. Why would we ever live in Utah? Of all places, that was the last place I thought I would end up. But I said something to my mom, and she knew too. We just had to do it. So right when we got home from our little vacation and were back in California, we put ourselves to work. And work we did. We checked out houses, areas, jobs, people, everything. Eventually I registered for UVU, and my mom was blessed enough to land an amazing job with Intermountain Healthcare as a Physical Therapist in Utah Valley. Things came together one by one. We all finished up that year of school, I graduated high school, and we were good to go. The only thing missing was somewhere to live. However, in due time, that issue was also resolved. The week before we left for Utah, my grandparents called my mom about a place they looked at in Provo. They talked very highly of it- and my mom trusted in them- so she agreed to it without even seeing the house. She was right, our home is perfect, for the time being. Even the KD* was able to successfully get out here in order to share custody of the kiddies*.
My mom works full time, and the amazing thing is that the school buses for both Spencer and Caryn pick them up and drop them off for school everyday. And Cray is able to carpool or ride his longboard to school if Taylor or I aren't able to take him because of work/school/whatever. Again, things just worked. We all made friends immediately. Good friends. Good influences. Not like back in California, where I was in the wrong scene. I had friends who were in jail, I had friends dying from overdoses, friends who drank, had sex with everyone/anyone, and overall were just bad influences. Friends who broke down my morals, one at a time. Given, I did have a select few (Daria and Chris) who tried to keep me in line, bless their hearts for always sticking by me. But the kiddies were on the right track too. Their grades improved, they got back into sports, and were getting back into a groove of things. I even somehow managed to get a job after years of unemployment.
Although things were improving, and the environment was different, some issues that we had at home were still there. My mom and I were struggling to see eye-to-eye, and I was dealing with my relationship with the KD- or lack thereof, rather. I was able to place all these issues in a box and tuck that box away in a far off place in the back of my mind. But the first week of December, my whole world collapsed around me. My mom and I got into a physical altercation, I packed up what I needed and booked it for my dad's. That was the most miserable Christmas holiday I have ever experienced in my entire life. My mom and I still weren't talking. I couldn't stand to be around family, it hurt too much. I wasn't sleeping because I was never home, and was staying up until 4:00 in the morning for no apparent reason every night.
After torturing myself for another three months, in late February, I called my mom... ready to get that relationship back, that I so desperately needed. We had a huge heart-to-heart and agreed to bury the hatchet, but I was still skeptical of moving home again in fear of having another huge blowout. It wasn't until Michelle invited me to church that things started to look up for me.
- Side-note. I was raised in the LDS Church (Mormon Church), but I stopped attending every week the day I turned 12, which was also the day my parents separated- but we're not going into that. I know the church is true, but I've always felt unworthy to be at church. And I could not stand being judged every week, so I hardly ever went.
Now my life is completely different. I'm back at my mom's and although we still have our moments, she is the most important person to me. I attribute the way I am entirely to her. Hell, my whole family* is so important to me. Now I'm not afraid to admit my struggles, and let people know where I've been, and how I got to the point that I'm at now. I feel as though my life is the way it is so that I am able to gain a perspective that I wouldn't have any other way. I am who I am because of where I have been. Ha, I often like to think back to the person I was exactly a year ago. I was bitter, closed off, confused, superficial, bratty, unappreciative, and judgemental. I was holding a grudge against my dad and wasn't able to let go. I remember before I moved I had friends who said to me, "Don't come back super mormon and crazy!" and I responded with, "Are you kidding? You know me... I'm the worst mormon ever." Welp, look what happened. It was bound to happen. This whole process has completely put my life into perspective. I would be in the exact same place I was last December had I not come back to church, let's be honest. And I would be even worse had I not succumb to the big move to Utah.
I am nowhere near the person that I want to be because I'm still learning, every single day... but I'm trying. I mean, I'm only now learning to embrace my religion and to let people know that I am in fact religious. Because, let's be honest, I wanna be "cool", and not "that crazy mormon girl that always wants to talk about God." I don't know, it is what it is, I am who I am. Whatevz. Bottom line is that I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm making life happen for me because I now know what I want out of life. I want to travel, I want to get my education, I want to have a family of my own one day, I want to love and to be loved, I want it all. And that's exciting, to know who you are- finally.
FOOTNOTES:
Chery Melody: Chery, my mom. I call her Chery Melody because, ya know, she's super melodic.
KD: Kim Dwayne Rawlings, my dad. "The big KD won't let me be!"
The Kiddies: The three younger kids of the family.
My family: (Just to clarify) Mom, Taylor 21, Me 18, Cray 16, Spencer 13, Caryn 10.
